Number one

The complexity of the world is smothering me. I find myself trying to focus on everything, all at once, thus failing to focus on anything at all. Everything I do, everywhere I go, all I produce is but a fraction of what I'd normally aim at, what my abilities should allow for. I'm born and raised a true winner, never second, undefeated. However, lately I've been treading on new grounds everywhere I go, all I embrace seems to be new to me, and suddenly I'm playing on someone else's turf. I'm no longer number one, and even though I know that's ok, it's killing me.

I've wondered long and dug deep to figure out exactly why it's so, but I never really manage to control this urge I get whenever I feel inferior to someone. It feels like I could explode, like I could wind up hurting someone close, both mentally and physically. It's a horrible feeling, and it's one I've avoided all my life, and now fail to both understand and control.

I'm ashamed of being such a poor loser, but I'm glad I at least understand the given circumstances and situations, so that I do contain myself to only explode within.

It's not like I've never lost at anything in my life, but it hasn't ever changed the way I feel or view myself. The feeling of invulnerability and superiority never faded, not even a bit. Whatever the results, I would still feel like the best, and act like the best, and often, in the end, be the best. To lose that feeling is like losing a piece of myself. It's a piece, which without, I cannot be whole, and thus one I must reacquire in order to function as I should.

Maybe it's a piece everyone needs in order to reach their potential. I certainly think one has a greater chance at being the best, if they believe they're the best. If anyone has already, or ever figures out, how to work their way around it, I'd really love a hint, because I'm growing tired of needing to be number one.